I know what some of you are thinking because I had been through the negative, the doubts, the questions, and the disbelief before. This time – it is not going to affect me in the way that it did in the past. It is not going to affect me in the way that did before because my faith has grown much stronger. I had discern that God desires me to blog on the web, to the entire world, about my relationship with Him, and to share about Him to others. This discernment took nineteen years to discern. Yes, you heard me correctly – it took nineteen years, that’s 19 years to discern.
It started during my freshmen year of high school when wrote about His grace. It was about the only thing that I loved writing about as it got me going. It gave me energy, excited me and pushed me forward. His grace was the life that was in me and from that life, I wrote. And, I wrote about that. And, in writing about that, I received the English award during my Freshmen year of high school. Not only did I receive that English award, but I also received the Integrated Science Award that same year. In that essay, I wrote about about the sciences were integrated because God created the universe, how they were related because one mind was behind it all and to compartmentalize any of the sciences is to forget that God created the universe. And, even if a person does not believe in God, compartmentalization of the sciences leads to abandonment of the common origin of the cosmos. We humans are curious and to answer the questions of where we came from, how we came to be, and what brought us here, we cannot isolate knowledge. Doing can only lead to more questions than answers. During my entire high school career, I never received any other academic reward. And strangely enough, I never mentioned God or religion for an essay in high school since that time.
After my junior year, I went into a crisis of faith. I started to question the beliefs that I grew with. It was important to me that I believe in these beliefs because I believed in them, not because they were the only thing I knew. I needed to know that I believed in them because I did, not because others said God exists and that Jesus is the Savior of mankind. I needed to believe because it was my belief, not because my ancestors was a cardinal in the Catholic Church, a bishop in the Catholic Church, martyrs in the Church, nuns, priests, and devoted to the faith. I needed to believe not because of a voice claiming He was God was speaking to me. I needed to believe because I believed.
I rejected everything I knew of the faith. I became an atheist. What am I to conclude? A voice was talking to me, claiming that He was God. The voice wanted to guide my life. The voice claimed to have guided the lives of my ancestors and the lives of those before me. I had every right, especially in this modern age to ask myself whether I was crazy. I was indeed concerned for my health. But as time went on, there were things that that voice told me about my future that came true — things that only God would know. One of the things that I am going to share is how I came back to the God. The voice told me that the world will preach the gospel to me and I will return to Him. At that time, I thought it was bogus (note that the internet did not exist when the voice told me about this). But when the internet came into being and when I joined a forum, God brought the entire world together and the gospel was preached metaphorically to me around December and grace given to me on New Year’s Eve and Day, the day of the feast of the Immaculate Conception. Today, I call that event the Allegory of the Gospel of Grace.
Another event I want to share is how I got married. God told me that me that the one who leads me to Him shall be my wife. I had always interpreted this to be Jesus Himself and that I may end up in the priesthood. I even explored the priesthood many times, but that did not work out. But when the time was right, He revealed to me what that meant. My wife came along, knew most of the things God Himself told me, which I told no one else. She even told me that she is my wife. How am I supposed to dispute that? It is just that we both just knew. Now, that’s how marriages happen in the Bible and that’s how my marriage happen. We are happily married 2 and 1/2 years. And, we got married twice already – isn’t that wonderful?
Now, God makes it clear to me without dispute that I am to blog. He told me a long time ago that this is what He wants me to do and that He will make it clear to without dispute that this is part of the path of my life. With Xanga moving forward (raising $50,000 with the CEO put in $10,000 of his own money in the past few months to transition into Word Press engine and not shutting down – https://xanga.crowdhoster.com/relaunch-xanga), God is making it clear to me as I discern through this situation and circumstance, that this is what He desires. The funny thing is that I do not consider myself a good writer. English is not my first language. I did not speak or write English until preschool. And, it is clear here what He desires, from the English reward in my freshmen year of high school to this revival of Xanga. Out of all the social websites, most came and went, but this one did not. I know who is behind it, but others may not agree. We all have our views. I truly believe that God is speaking to me. And, I see it clearly over a long period of my life.
Nineteen years He has been speaking to me about what He wants. And, I am not saying that this is the only thing He wants of my life. What I am saying that writing is a part of it. The journey just continues and it has reached a turn. And, Xanga is just a part of the journey, what God has used to clarify to me what He wants me to do. What is clear is that it has indeed impacted us as Xanga 1.0 and has already started to influence us before it as begun as Xanga 2.0. I do not know how long Xanga is going to be around, but I know that I am to write and blog with or without it. That much is clear to me, but what has started here with Xanga will continue. (Here is some background information - http://thexangateam.xanga.com/774812086/xanga-20-is-almost-here/ and http://thexangateam.xanga.com/773587240/relaunching-xanga-a-fundraiser/).
Cheers to a new beginning! For me, it is indeed something new, something meaningful, something profound, another step in my spiritual journey and who would have through that writing and blogging would be a part of it?
What does Xanga 2.0 mean to you? How will you make the best of it?
Copyright 2013 by Christenstein
Just a few days after my marriage was convalidated, there were attacks on me. A few people started to bring up old issues, which were over two years old. I had already forgotten these “issues”. And, I told them that. I told them that I don’t remember and I didn’t. I even talked to my counsel to try to understand what they were talking about. I remembered, but vaguely and don’t understand what the issue is. I tried my best to understand them, but I don’t. It has been over two years. And, in the end, after many discussions with my counsel, I concluded that it was in their best interest that I do not speak with them at all. Apparently, they had dwelt on these issues for over two years and it had been eating away at their souls. They needed help and a lot of it. I am not the one to help them because I really do not know what I can do at this point. My talking to them will only bring up the old feelings when the best thing for them to do is to move on and to forget – my meeting up with them is counterproductive. Only Jesus can help them. Only the sacrament of reconciliation can help them; only the Catholic Church can provide that. I had already forgotten about it and for me to tell them that I forgive them would be a lie because I don’t remember anything. And, as a Christian, I cannot lie to them just to make them feel better – that’s an illusion. They maintain that I am not a Christian because I “obviously” hold a grudge, which makes no sense because I don’t even remember anything.
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