God told me that He was there during my first birthday (see previous post) so I did some research into the Chinese culture, which influenced my culture a lot.  I always thought that the Chinese celebrated their birthday every year on the New Year's and that was it.  They did not celebrate it on their actually birthday.  Subsequently, I found out that this celebration was not really important either.  I also found out that the 30th birthday was important for some and that is why I got calls from Asia wishing me a happy birthday on my birth date (they are more Westernize), but they were counting the birthdays according to the Asian way.  Most Asians start counting from conception, so when a person is born, they are already one year old.  So, if I were 29 in American age, I would be 30 in Asian age.  So, that's why called me to wish me a Happy Birthday on my 29th birthday.  They saw it as an important 30th (decade) birthday not to be missed.  Anyway, I found the following:
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Do the Chinese celebrate every birthday or just special birthday?

Normally Chinese people only celebrate special birthdays. They are 1st birthday, 10th birthday, 60th birthday, 70th and 80th birthday.

Why is the 60th birthday is so special?

Traditionally, Chinese people do not give much attention to birthdays until they are 60 years old. The 60th birthday is regarded as a very important point of life because the birthday person reached the full circle of zodiac (5x12). After that, a birthday celebration is held every ten years, that is the 70th, the 80th . It is believed that from 61 years old the person start a new circle of life.

http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2008/06/10/2270271.htm
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Age Counting

The Chinese traditional way to count the age is different from the Western way. In China, people take the first day of the Chinese New Year in lunar calendar as the starting point of a new age. No matter in which month a child is born, he is one year old, and one more year is added to his age as soon as he enters the New Year. So what may puzzle a Westerner is that a child is two years old when he is actually two days or two hours old. This is possible when the child is born on the last day or hour of the past year.

http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/159359
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So, one can see where the confusion was when I was growing up with the birthdays.  Nowadays, I do not blame my parents for it.  They learned about the American culture eventually and started to celebrate my brothers' birthdays afterwards.  And, that hurt me more, but since I learned more about the culture and its ways, I learned that they were making the best of what they knew, what they had, and the strange new culture they found themselves in for having being refugees here in the United States.  I cannot blame them, but I am glad that God saw it fit to speak to me and comfort me during those times and to be my Father during those times.  I am glad that He picked up where others could not.  That is indeed the heart of a Father.

Anyway, Father God told me that He was there during my first birthday (at that time, I was still in my culture and not in the American culture, so He was referring to my culture).  My parents probably celebrated my first birthday, the day that I was born.  And, He said was there.  So, I looked in the scripture to see if He indicates that He was there during the day of our birth.  And, sure enough.  He was there!

From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you. (Psalm 71:6 NIV)

And, this is again all about His love for me and His love for all of us as our Father.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 NIV)

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)

Father God is there for everyone's birth and/or their first birthday if they count it that way! 

When I returned to the new church last Friday, May 7, 2010 to celebrate a year since I first stepped set foot into it, the Lord was extremely pleased with my obedience and commitment to Him.  He smiled at my memory stones of Him and what He did for me, how I celebrate and remember yearly the things that He had done for me.  After the small group, He told me, "You are righteous and obedient.  I will open the floodgates and show you My memory stones."  I was really excited that God has memory stones of me and wondered what these memory stones are like.  I started to speculate what He remembers of me and why they would be so significant.  God has memory stones of me - wow, that just blows my mind away.

Then, on Saturday, I went to my friend's first birthday party.  It was a belated birthday party - she had already turned one, but we were celebrating anyway.  It was during that birthday, during the showing of love in that family, that God spoke to me, "I was there during your first birthday.  I spoke to you then.  I spoke to you your entire life.  You just remembered you being five as the first time."  I broke down into tears that night.  God was there at my first birthday.  It was the not best birthday - my parents were struggling because we were refugees.  My parents rarely celebrated my birthdays and my eighteenth birthday was no exception.  We never celebrated that.  And, it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  It was a cultural miscommunication, but it hurt a lot.

So, when I came to the Lord, I did not want to deal with my birthday celebration.  I celebrated only my spiritual birthday.  It was a happier birthday.  It was more meaningful to me because it was not filled with so much pain and so much hurt.  And, I did not celebrate my 30th birthday in January.  It did not mean much to me because of the pain and hurt - the spiritual birthday meant so much more to me because of the healing and Jesus.  In fact, the birthdays with Jesus always mean more to me because of Jesus.  That's why I celebrate and treasure every moment that I encounter Him and His healing presence in my life - they are so precious to me - and they are memory stones.  They are my joy because there aren't really much to show for in my past, in my childhood, and in my life.  There are so much more to show through the Lord.

And, He tells me that He was there at my first birthday and there at all my birthdays.  He tells me that I should celebrate my birthdays because He celebrates my birthday every year. He tells that He reaches out to me each year for every birthday through different people and/or He was always there.  And, thinking back.  He reached out on my 30th birthday with a voice mail from a friend in the new church.  He reached out through my 29th birthday with a card from the old church and with voice mails from Asia - why didn't I listen then?  That should have been a BIG wake up call from Him - halfway around the world from people who didn't even believe in Him, but He still moved their heart.  He reached out on my 28th birthday through friends at the old church.  He reached out through my 27th birthday through friends in the forum.  He reached out on my 26th birthday through my roommate.  He reached out on my 25th birthday through my roommate.  And, I do not doubt that if I traced back every year, I will remember Him reaching out each and every year.  He is God and if He said He did that, I'll just take His word for it - no need to trace back every birthday of my life, I know Him well enough to know that "He says."  He tells me how much it saddens Him that I do not celebrate my birthday and that He understands that it has been painful for me.  And, He wants to me know that it is okay.  It is okay because He was there each and every year.  This was Saturday, May 8, 2010.

I was crying that night and I am still crying now.  I cannot understand this love, but I do remember how He moved people, who aren't even Christian, to provide for my senior prom when my parents would not provide for it because they did not understand what it meant (cultural difference there). 

Today (Sunday, May 9, 2010), I went into my bank account on the web to check up on some things (for other reasons) and I noticed that there was more money in one of the accounts.  I checked it out and noticed that the IRS refunded more money than I claimed on my tax refund.  I went into the IRS website to figure out what was going on and found out that they redid my taxes in my favor, calling it a mathematical error (that was nice of them - I just didn't know I needed to file a schedule which is far from a mathematical error).  I looked at the date the money was deposited into my account - May 7, 2010 - the day of the anniversary of the day that I first stepped into the new church (the day He told me He will open the floodgates).   He celebrated my anniversary with me by timing the deposit as a gift!   Now, He wants to celebrate my birthdays with me.  Wow, God telling me that He celebrates my birthdays with me!  Father God telling me that He had been speaking to me my entire life!  Father God celebrating with me and smiling from heaven.  That is awesome!

So, from this day forward, I am celebrating both birthdays.  My real birthday and my spiritual one.  This is His love, up close and personal.  He is my Father.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. (James 1:16-18 NIV)

So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. (James 1:16-18 MSG)

And, the tax error, rounded is 427.  The Lord has pointed to the book of Psalm to confirm His word to me.  So, I turn to Psalm 42:7.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.  (Psalm 42:7 NIV)

So, God is turning my sorrow in Psalm 42:7 into joy.  All that deep sorrow I had are turning into tears of joy.   The deer that pants for the water brooks has found the fountain that does not turn off!  Wow, this is what Father God is telling me.  I had been in tears of joy in the past few weeks!  The dream I had about not being able to turn off the hot water is beginning (see post April 14, 2010). 

A year ago today, after struggling with the Almighty God for three weeks and discerning His telling me to leave the old church and go to the new church, a church which I had never been to before, it was finally discerned that the Friday night house group would be the first place for me to attend.  I went there on my own, by myself, without telling them anything or even giving them a heads up.  God commands and I was going to go.    I went there after work and found the people the most welcoming people in any church I had ever been to in my entire life.  It was impressive how people took an interest in me.  And, it progressed into prayer time, the Spirit of God closed the deal.  He was in the room when people were praying.  People were sharing pictures, Bible verses, and impressions.  These were things that I got sometimes when I prayed and I never understood what they meant.  Wow, these were what the pictures meant.  Wow, these were what the impressions meant.  This was awesome!  I came home that day never the same again.  It was as if the Holy Spirit had opened up the floodgates of my experiences of the Kingdom.  I had experienced God in an entirely new way.  This place, it was different.  God was actually talking.  People here can actually understand what I mean when I say I hear God.  God was speaking through them too.

Thinking back, it was wonderful how that one small step of faith that one Friday evening on that first Friday in May 2009 changed the course of history for me.  God told me three weeks earlier to search on the web for an "evangelical charismatic" church and that led directly to the new church.  He told me to go to the new church.  And, looking back on the last  year, that small step of faith, that risk I took on faith took me on a journey that was the best year in my life so far (May 2009 - May 2010). 
 
From May 2009 - May 2010 (no exaggerations here),

1. I had made some of the best friends I ever had made in my entire life;
2. A demon, from my pre-conversion days, that was oppressing me with migraines was delivered from me;
3. Father God frees me from cultural pressures to achieve, to perform, familial pressures, etc. by way of bar exam failure;
4. Father God spoke up against injustice in my life just as He promised to over a year ago (He chose a memory stone date to do it);
5. I am growing closer to Jesus in this one year than than all the the other years of my Christian life;
6. Father God speaks through other people just as He speaks through me - it is wonderful to know that and to be a part of that;
7. Father God gives others pictures, impressions, and words just as He gives me, it is wonderful;
8. Father God shows me what justice can mean for me so that I could overflow that justice to others.
9. Father God renews and shows me what His prophecies to me really meant and how I had misinterpreted many of them (that was humbling);
10. Father God shows me that He was training me for a bigger purpose and that He is still training me for the bigger purpose;
11. There was the most awesome spiritual birthday party ever because people understood why it was being celebrated;
12. [Father God tells me to be a friend to someone and I end up in his wedding!]
13. [Through that friend, I made another friend whose daughter's first birthday subsequently healed me of my hurt and pains with my birthdays!]

There is more, but that is enough to show that God is working in a mighty way and it started from one blind step of obedience one year ago!

God led me here.  I just walked into house group that Friday evening on faith.  And, that small step of faith, listening to God, to that small still voice guiding my footsteps, changed my entire life forever.  I found brothers and sisters in a church who love me and care for me.  And, who I can love and care for back.  I look forward to living further by faith and not by sight and to being led by God wherever He chooses to lead me.

What an awesome year!  Cheers to my Father and to my Savior, Lord, and Master Jesus Christ!

I remembered when I was growing up and how unfair the world was to and for me.  Everywhere I went, there was always trouble, not because I was a trouble-maker, but because my father was a weak man.  He never defended any of his sons.  There was and is still some anger on part of my brothers for his failure to teach us what it means to be a father, what means to be a man, and what it means to grow from childhood into adulthood.  We had to figure out these things on our own and it was a tough journey for each of us.  That anger is no more today because He is my Father. 

God spoke to me when I was five and I clung onto Him.  And, thinking back to those days, I still love Him in the same way that I do when I first heard Him.  There were so many pictures, wonderful pictures that He gave to my brothers and sisters about how He still sees me as the child He still loves and He still cares for.  Many people got pictures of Him putting His arms around me when I was a child.  He's always been there for me, even when I did not know it, even when I faded away and decided not to listen to Him.  He has always been my Father and He has always gently brought me back to Him through any means He found possible -- renewal through a bar exam failure, wake up call through bankruptcy, and trials and tribulations.  He set up those times in the deserts for my own good, for me to find my way back to Him and to discover what a great Father He is and how much He cares for me, how much He loves me, and how much He wants to hold onto me.  Wow, what wonderful pictures and messages He had provided my brothers and sisters to tell me that He is still here, still cares about me, still loves me, and still sees me as He saw me the first time when I was five before.  And, today, I can feel His arms around me, holding onto me and telling me, "Remember, justice is mine to avenge."  And, He does not just say that.  He does it.  I witnessed Him do it, especially in April 29, 2010, which marked the anniversary of a special memory stone of my life.

I remember carrying all this pain and all this hurt, all this brokenness in college and thinking that psychology was my savior.  It was my answer, I thought to myself.  Psychology would help me sort through all of it and help me cope.  Father God proved me wrong.  He sorts through this all with the redeeming power of the blood of Christ, which is only available to us through sincere repentance and acceptance of His Son as our Lord and Master.

He has never dug this deep and this is deeper than anything I had ever imagined.  Deeper than anything I had ever dreamed possible.  He took me back to the places that I would rather forget, to the places that I want to move away from, and tells me that He wants that too.  He wants all of it, not just the me that I think I can give to Him, but all of me, the me that is broken, the me that I think is junk, and I think I cannot give to Him -- He wants that too, He wants it all.  He wants all of me, just as I am -- from the past, to the present, and also to the future.  So, He took me back to the past, to the pain that I did not want to visit, to the childhood that I would run away from, and He showed me that all those times that my father did not speak for me - all those times no longer matter.  They no longer matter because He speaks for me now.  He speaks for me in a mighty way.  His voice heals me.  His Spirit touches me and penetrates my heart.  Although it may seem He is speaking to the injustice I suffered over a year ago, He is actually speaking to my spirit which is eternal and speaking to injustices that occur in the past because my spirit knows no time.  He spoke to those injustices that I kept bottled up in myself for too long. 

He healed me again!  He never stops healing me.  I bet you that there will be a time that He will be healing me of ailments I would never know I had!

That justice that I had yearned for, that I had searched for, that I had wanted and hunger for, that I once thought I had found in His divine justice -- He gave me more of on April 29, 2010.  This is one of the desires of my heart, coming from the depths of wanting to see justice be done in my life, to see that those who killed my relatives in the Vietnam War, who stole my family's land, who imprisoned my second, third, etc.-cousins, who destroyed my childhood by psychologically damaging my parents/aunts/uncles/grandparents, who robbed me of a life that I so deserve as a son of God, pay for what they had done.  That is the justice that I so desired and wanted, among other justices in my life.  That is one of the desires of my heart.  [Over a year ago, I let Him deal with all this mess - I gave it to His Son on the cross, I let Him avenge all these injustices, and to tell you the truth, I do not know how He would do it, but He promised to me in the dream that He would and He did (in a way).  He came through on His promise on April 29, 2010 on the anniversary of a special memory stone of my life.]  He showed me what the desire could be like by orchestrating events in the past few years.  He showed what that desire could mean, how it could look like, what it could feel like.  And, I know that this is just a glimpse of what He has in store for those who love Him.

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)

Do you want to know the Father this intimately?  Look to the Son on the cross and avail yourself of the blood of Jesus through sincere repentance and acceptance of Him as your Savior.  Only through His Son can you have an intimate relationship with the Father and be a son/daughter of God.

I think it is interesting how people read God in the Old Testament as an angry God.  After all, He killed so many people, helped the Israelites with war, killed the firstborn in Egypt (minus the household with the blood of the lamb), struck people dead, and did all these things that the loving God that we represent in churches today would not do - oh no, God would not do that.  That's not God at all.  The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ, who is God, is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  God in the Old Testament is God in the New Testament.  God in the New Testament is God in the Old Testament.  He is the same God.  It is really interesting how people I have met know only the one-sided God, the New Testament God for lack of a better way to describe it - the God they envision as Jesus Christ.  They rather stay away from the Old Testament - He's too mean, too vengeful, too vindictive, and He's not for today (they say).  We are living under grace today (they say).  Yes we are under grace, but God has not changed.  He is still the same God.  Has God somehow changed because the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?  This is the singular reason why people do not know Father God and the singular reason why the power of the resurrection fails to reside within them.  Jesus Himself tells us that the scriptures testify about Him and at that time He was referring to the Old Testament.  They do not know God personally to the point where they are comfortable with knowing God's character both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament.  Jesus tells us that those who know Him will know the Father and the Father reveals Himself in the Old Testament too.

So, I represent God in a very balanced way because that's the way He shows and reveals Himself to me.  Notice that I say He reveals Himself to me.  I do not come to Him with a preconceived notion of who He is.  He is the one interacting with me and telling me who He is.  Yes, He is a God who will avenge our injustices, the Bible says so.  And, yes, He will speak up for us if we let Him be the Father He wants to be for us.  That's how much He loves us.  It is all about His love.  You know, I had once thought the same thing about God in the Old Testament, how He killed people and fought for the Israelites and such, but I now see how much He loves His chosen people and what He had to do set them free from Egypt.  Pharaoh was just too hardheaded.  He loved the Israelites so much that He sent the plagues.  He loved the Israelites so much that He parted the Red Sea for them.  He is Father God and He protects His children and keeps them safe.  And, those who harm His children will have to answer to Him in this life or the next.  It is very simple.

There is love in the entire Bible from beginning to end.  I just see love.  I see love in the midst of the Egypt's army drowning in the Red Sea.  Heck, they were chasing God's children to kill them.  They were on the run to destroy them.  What do you suppose a Father is going to do when murderers go after His children?  What would a mother do when murderers go after her children?  This is Father God.  He is Father God.  And, He is loves His children.

Everything in the Bible just gives me life!  I feel Father God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in the Old Testament when I read the Bible - this is relatively new!  And, I remember this:

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life. (John 6:63 NIV)

All of the Bible gives me life!  Drowning the Egyptians gives me life!  It's Father God and His love!  The same Father God who spoke up against injustices on my behalf because I am His son.  It is Him and it is Him revealing His word to me in the most intimate way.  That is what a relationship with Him is all about.  Love! Love! Love! Love! Love!

God is love!
The Word is God!
The Word is Love!

Wocka Wocka Wocka (inside joke, kinda)

February 4, 2009: Father God gave me a dream or a vision that the injustices that were occurring in my life at the moment may become worse and He promises to avenge those injustices for me  (see post).

February 8, 2009: Jesus makes it clear to me that those, especially the old church leadership, who have told or will tell me to do the opposite of what He had specifically commanded me do will see His justice (see post).

March 10, 2009:  The old church leadership continued to tell me to do the opposite of what God told me to do.  And they manipulated the situation to fit their interpretation.  God said that in time, they will know that He is angry with them (see post).

April 13, 2009: God commanded me to take communion because I am in Him and He is in me.  Some are the ones who are not in Him and some are ones who are taking communion and bringing judgment upon themselves (see post).

[April 19, 2009 - The old church leadership used the church authority to tell me do the opposite of what God told me do based on a lie that they have bought into.  God disciplined them - surgery for thumb, surgery for shoulder, and fractured vertebrae.  He later healed the one with the fractured vertebrae when the board put their faith back in Him and turn back to Christ and let go of the idol, the lie.]

April 29, 2009: The lease for my new studio was approved.  This was after the owner of the place told me I could not move in because of a vicious rumor that he believed was true.  He did not bother to ask my side of the story.  As promised (see February 8, 2009 Post), God divinely disciplined him and the old church leadership [minus the one with cancer] and made it clear that it was Him who did it (see April 29, 2010 post).

Summer 2009: Father God commands me to take my name off the old church membership, to leave the old church after I finish serving Him as scheduled projection, and places the old church leadership under divine discipline for putting their faith in themselves and not in Him (as stated in rebuke made in the August) (as He promised on February 8, 2009) - surgery for thumb, surgery for shoulder, and fractured vertebrae [the one with cancer was spared because he knew about nothing that was going on].

Lent 2010: Father God commands me to visit the old church and lifts the divine discipline from them, healing the one with the fractured vertebrae from pain for putting their faith in those He has chosen instead of in themselves (a proposal made in the March 7, 2010 business meeting to give pastors a say in the church - definitely a step in the right direction).  He also commanded me to show them His Son by having me reconciled relationships even when it was not my fault.  Jesus came to the earth to reconcile relationship with us when it was not even His fault the relationships were broken.

April 29, 2010: On the anniversary of the approval for a lease for the new studio by God's grace and providence and as a result of me letting Him take care of the injustice by turning the other cheek and by not retaliating (entrusting the justice to Him who judges justly just as Jesus did when He straight to the cross), the wife of the owner of the home gets a heart attack (see April 29, 2009 post).  Coincidence?  Consider that around the time I left that church, there were surgery for thumb, surgery for shoulder, and fractured vertebrae between three senior leaders (June 2009, His promised to the February 8, 2009 Post fulfilled - message of rebuked delivered twice).  Consider that around the time I returned to visited and reconcile relationships even when it was not my fault just as Jesus came to reconcile relationships through the cross even when it was not His fault, God healed the pain for the person with the fractured vertebrae (message that divine discipline was lifted was also delivered).  God also timed a sermon from the church's pulpit to be about how Moses returned to Egypt with God's presence much like how He timed the sermon of Jesus reading Isaiah 61 (March 2010).

April 30, 2010: During prayer, it was told to me by someone, who I did not know, that it is the voice of God that I hear, that I should listen, and that I should move into the destiny that He has for me.

Those of you have been following my blog have read it and know that Father God has kept His word and promises to me.  This is what the Bible promises a servant of the Lord.

"Do not slander a servant to his master,
or he will curse you, and you will pay for it. (Proverbs 30:10 NIV)

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, (Isaiah 61:2 NIV)

I have mourning long enough from this injustice and have been hurt long enough from being judged and made not to move in because of vicious rumors about me having a grudge on another brother - which was totally untrue.  Almighty God has avenged those injustices on my behalf because I left it alone and let Him take care of it His way, whether through other people, through situations/circumstances, and/or even through He Himself striking them down through divine discipline for misusing the power and authority of the church. 

I am indeed a son of God and He indeed loves me more than I can ever know, more than I can ever comprehend, and He watches over me, cares for me, and speaks up against those who harm me.  He is indeed my Father, a loving Father, who would not let anyone harm me or destroy me.  This is the heart of the Father and I am beginning to see it more and more.  This is the heart of Father who defends His son when He sees His being treated unfairly, being taken advantage of, and being oppressed by others.  (My father never defended me like this when I was growing up - he would yell at me first when accusations were made.  But, God, my Father, my heavenly Father, defends me against those who harm me viciously and maliciously).  He loves me. 

This is the heart of God.  And, I am in tears of joy again and I feel this:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 NIV)

I do not even deserve this kind of love yet He lavishly gives it to me.  I am the least deserving of love and probably the least loving of most of people I know, yet He still loves me so much.  I am overwhelmed and I cannot comprehend this.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV).

This love is beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life.  There are no words that I could put it as it does surpass knowledge.  He is healing me of the way that my father treated me when I was growing up.  This is incredible.

Father God healing me of my childhood pains and scars.  How awesome is that! 

Because God has made it utterly clear that His hand is involved through how this is affecting me, through how this has healed me, and through how this is bring me closer to Him, I will pray for His will be done for this woman.  In the end, we all know that God's hands are the best hands to be in and for this woman, His hands would be the best hands to be in because He knows what is best for her.

Our Brother Jesus modeled the Father-Son to us clearly when He was on the earth and showed us the power available through it.  This power is real and available to everyone through a solid Father-son/daughter relationship with Father God, through the blood of Jesus (sincere repentance and acceptance of Him as Savior).  Father God has plans for all of us, plans to prosper us and to grow us, to make us into what He created us to be before the fall and before sin came into the world.  He created us in His own image.  The fullness of the deity dwelt in Jesus.  We are meant to be a small reflection of Him and His glory; we are created in His image, but the fall destroyed took this away from us.  We are His sons and daughters.  Make no mistake about that.  And, He is going to treat us as His children if we are His children.

I remember while growing up in high school, my parents were very tough on me.  Most Asian parents are known to be very tough on their children with academics and grades.  My parents were no exception.  I remember my father yelling one night when Harvard rejected me.  He told me, "You will amount to nothing in your life.  Your rejection from Harvard speaks for itself."  Those words and other words stuck with me.  They remained for a long time.  They kept me in bondage.  God planned the bar exam failure to break the bondage, amongst other bondages.

After it was clear He wanted me take the bar exam again, I went over to the post office the next evening to overnight them some paperwork.  On the way there, I realized that God has more faith in my abilities than I had, than my parents had.  This brought tears of joy to my eyes like no other.  Here He is, the God of the universe, telling me that He trusted me that I could amount to something. 

It was a different voice, a voice that I had never heard before.  It was the first time I heard the gentle voice of the Father, speaking to me and encouraging me, telling me that although I had failed, it is okay; He loves me.

He loves me! 

He loves me! 

Did I tell you that, "He loves me?"    I just wanted to say that again because I am excited about it. 

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen."When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 MSG)

The last two months had been the best two months of my life so far.  Part of it was I personally felt the heart of Father God.  How awesome is that? 

Okay, I admit it.  I am naturally prideful.  God humbled me in many ways and there are areas where my pride still creeps up.  He humbled me by controlling my finances, by controlling what church I attend, by giving me instructions, and through many things.  There are not many things left for my natural pride to creep up and express itself, except in games like Phase 10 or other games like "Word for Friends" on the iPhone, where my handle is "Word Smith" - yeah, how's that for naturally prideful?

Anyway, God finds it humorous.  And, He laughs all the time about it because He whipped me into shape in most of the big things already that it creeps up on the small and petty things.  It is kinda of pathetic, really, but then, its there inside of me needing expression and He just laughs whenever it happens.  And, that's another reason why He named me Christenstein, which translate into "Christian Stone."  Ever heard of the phase as stubborn as a stone?  Yeah, this natural pride can make me as stubborn as a stone sometimes, so I can be a stubborn Christian.  He gave the word to one of my friends yesterday, "naturally prideful."  My friend told me to not to get mad when the word is delivered.  And when my friend said it, I just laughed.  I knew it was Him.  This was an inside joke between the Lord and me for the longest time.  He would tell me things like, "You can't express that pride of yours any where anymore except in games?"  It's really funny because He gives me lots of grace because I am humble to Him and to His word, whoever He speaks through, but when it comes to games.....

So, yeah.  I am "Word Smith" on word for friends on the iPhone if you want to play against me (yeah, it's kinda of silly joke at the same time too - it's funny, I know, but I have to express my pride somehow, God pulls my strings in too many areas of life already).  And, I don't know who enjoys beating me more, my friends or me.  I like a good challenge, especially one in which I am beaten fair and square.  Last night, when I was playing Phase 10, it was funny.  It was funny because my friend knew the inside joke or maybe I thought my friend knew - yes, one of the thorn in my flesh is winning games.  And, the way I express it is, well, you can judge it for yourself.  It is no wonder God finds my "natural pride" and the avenue that are left for its express so funny.  Checkmate by God.

I know it is foolish to have pride in petty things like games, but I lost control of so many areas of my life to Him.  That's about all there's left to have pride in.  God finds it humorous, I know.  And, perhaps, there is a reason why He took this inside joke out of the treasure chest and moved my friends to play Phase 10 with me yesterday after not playing Phase 10 with me for over a month!  I discern that He wants this inside joke out of the bag - for what purpose, I don't know, but here it is.  Perhaps, He wants everyone to know that He dealt with it and whipped me badly that I express it now in games, I don't know.   Just a few months ago, I learned that I have no pride in my academics.  Academics versus games (Naturally, which one would make more sense to take pride in?).  Silly and foolish to take pride in the games, I know.  That's why He finds it humorous just like the person giving the word said He did and I knew He did.  How could I ever be prideful after He revealed something like this to me?  It's more like torment, like a thorn in my flesh and His power revealed through this weakness.  God is gracious.  His grace is sufficient.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV)

Failing the bar exam is the second best thing that had happened this year (the first best thing is, of course, the deliverance).  This year has been so incredible.  God has blessed me with so much.  I always laugh with joy in almost every occasion.  The bar exam failure freed me from societal expectations, the Asian need to achieve, the need to prove something to others.  It also freed me from the slavery of accomplishments, of basing my value and self-worth on whether I pass a test or not.  There are probably many other blessings from it.  I look forward to more revelations from God.  And, it is this freedom that I had been living in the past two months and had been enjoying.

I went back to activities I love, like blogging, socializing and meeting new people, and building relationships and friendships.   At first, I thought I was going to take the bar exam again.  As the days went on, I realized a few things.  I am content with my life.  I have a job.  I make more than enough money for myself.  I save a decent amount each month.  Everything is just right and complacency in my blessings makes sense especially when the things that used to motivate me to take the bar exam are no longer.  I have nothing to prove to anyone any more.  I do not really need to make more money.  I can do social justice work without a law license.  There is no desire to take the bar exam.  The motivation that I once had is just not there.  Perhaps, I am not meant to do it since there is no desire.  The Bible does say God puts desires in our hearts.

The saints gave me counsel to take it again.  The consensus was that the material was still fresh in my mind and that I would have the license for life.  Because of the conflicting messages, I prayed to the Lord for an answer.  This is one of the times in which I wished He spoke to me directly (He does speak to me directly, but He doesn't do it all the time - sometimes, He wants me to go about finding His will through other avenues) - it would have been so much easier.  He remained silent for the last two months.  And, I enjoyed my freedom the last two months.  I enjoyed my freedom without the migraines (since the deliverance).  I enjoyed my life. 

Then, the deadline for the lowered fee was coming soon, so I prayed and told Him that if He wanted me take it again, He should make it crystal clear because the deadline is coming soon and time is ticking.  Then, starting this week, He started to speak through various random people at my workplace, in my house group, and through the Internet.  Despite my openness about having failed the bar exam (Facebook, this blog, and conversations), some people still asked me how it went.  These people are in the minority since I had told many, but those who did not know were enough for God to get the message through.  Someone asked me on Sunday at church.  Someone asked me on Monday.  A few people asked me on Tuesday.  More people asked me on Wednesday.

Then, He told me that this particular friend will ask me through Facebook and that this is confirmation that I should take it again.  While I was telling my house group about the freedom and about how I felt I was misusing it.  I was starting to get the sense that He wants me to take it again.  While I was sharing, this friend posts to my wall asking me about the bar exam.  He even spoke again yesterday (Thursday) through another person.  All crunched up in one week with a definite confirmation from Him telling me that a particular person will ask me through Facebook (He had confirm His commands to me before by telling that an event will occur, but this is the first time that He mentioned the person and how - this is very specific). 

Then, on xanga, one of my fellow bloggers, blogged about Hebrews 12:1-3, the same verses that was given to me by my friend when I was going through the process of studying for the bar exam the first time (see this post) (This word given to me last January was prophetic and reconfirm yesterday (through events that happened and repeated again to remind me!) - notice that I threw off the things that hinders and entangles first before I can start to run!).  How much clearer must the Almighty God get?  And, He loves me.  I can feel His love. 

During Wed. house group, we concluded that it was not a lack of motivation that I was feeling, but a need to adjust to the new freedom I had.  What I called motivation wasn't really motivation at all.  It was slavery.  What was propelling me to achieve was stuff that was putting me in bondage - status, achievement, social expectations, self-worth, etc.  With these things gone, the saints believe that I could find true motivation.  And, if God is motivating me, then that should be the best motivation of all.  Here is the concept:

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. (Romans 8:5-8 NIV)

God motivating me into action in regards to the bar exam insight of the other stuff, incredible revelation.  The Bible tells me this:

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Eph 2:10 NLT)

These verses illuminated for me.  I went from slavery into freedom, being created anew in Christ Jesus so that I can do the good things that he planned for me long ago.  And, apparently taking this bar exam again is what He planned for me, newly created masterpiece in Christ Jesus (insofar as the bar exam goes), a long time ago.

With this freedom, I can choose to take or not to take the test again.  I choose to take the test again because this what He wants.

After sending in the paperwork electronically, I felt His presence in my room smiling wide and being really pleased with me.  This is the status I sent out to my Facebook: "the Father is more pleased with you when you make a choice to go towards Him from your freedom in Christ than if you made the same exact choice from slavery."  Two same choices.  Applying for the bar.  Father God is more pleased with this choice than the previous one, which led to the failure because the previous one was not based on freedom. 

Praise the Lord!  Now, I am truly pleasing Him this time around instead because I no longer motivated by the sinful nature, but by Him.

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Corinthians 9-10 MSG)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 9-10 NIV)

Related Posts

Christ is the Answer January 21, 2009 - Jesus is the answer.  He is always the answer.  In this case, He is the answer because I gave the bar exam to Him and it resurrected literally into something much more beauty, more pleasing to the Father.  It is still a bar exam, but it is more pleasing to the Father this time.
Growing in Relationship with God and Knowing God January 27, 2009 - Christianity is about a relationship with Jesus, not about getting what we want, in this case, it is not about praying to pass a bar exam.  God is more concerned about teaching us about the deeper things about Him and growing us into deeper relationship with Him through His Son.  It is about our relationship the Father as sons and daughters.
Godly Wisdom v. Earthly Wisdom January 30, 2009 - There are two kinds of wisdom, one that is from God and one from humans.  Learn to discern which is which.  For the above situation, getting mad at God for not passing the bar the first time is human wisdom.  Learning from the situation and asking God what He wants me to know from it is godly wisdom.
Peace Beyond All Understanding February 1, 2009 - The Peace Beyond All Understand comes when you yield to God's will.
The Right Approach to God's Will February 3, 2009 - The right approach to God's will is not do something and see if God blesses it.  The right approach is to seek God first and see what God wants us to do.  The right approach is to know ourselves as sons and daughters of the Father and through that relationship as sons and daughters know His will for us.
Worthless Love v. True Love March 5, 2009 - If our love is motivated by lies, it is not true.  Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God (Romans 8:8).  Love controlled by lies is not pleasing to God.
Primary Motivations May 4, 2009 - Our primary motivation should be Christ if we are true Christians.  Christ modeled the relationship that we should have with Father God, our relationship as sons and daughters.

A Resurrection Story April 6, 2010 - This is the story of how the failure in the bar exam is a resurrection story.  How the voucher was issued on my spiritual birthday and how the news was failure was given to me on Good Friday, all in God's sovereign timing, of course.  All for His glory! 

I am Christenstein, a son of Father God. 

And, although I know His truths as evidenced from my past posts, I cannot come into freedom on our own.  I need Jesus to do so.  And, Jesus brought me into freedom into a place where those truths became real, where those truths can live in me, where He can become more real in my heart and in my life.  This is what the cross is all about - we cannot do it ourselves.  We must cooperate with His plan and accept that He is God.  We must repent and accept Him as our Savior, that He died on the cross for our sins and rose up again on the third day.  When I failed that bar exam, it took me a few hours to repent and accept that it is His plan and that He is in charge of my life and I accepted His plan whatever it was, not my plans.  In in giving up my life/plans to Him, He gave me freedom/life abundant!  Praise the Lord!

About a year ago, I was approved for a new studio.  It was the perfect studio for me.  It was a few thousand feet from the one I used to be at.  It did not have a doorman.  It was cheaper and bigger than the one I had.  It had no view of Lake Michigan, but I never enjoyed the view of Lake Michigan the entire time I had it with the other studio.  My plans to move in with a friend fell apart due to some rumors circulating around and to some rather harsh decisions made by the owner of the home.  The owner did not even bother to ask me my side of the story before making the decision.  He decided that I couldn't move in based one-side of the story.  I did not fight back or voice my opinion regarding his decision because the Bible clearly tells me to turn the other cheek when injustices like these occur and further promises that when injustices do occur, it is for the Lord to avenge.  And, the Almighty God is true to His word, every bit of His word, avenging the injustice for me through divine discipline.  It was indeed unfair to not let another person move in because of some rumors.  And, further unfair to not hear the person's side of story especially after agreeing with the person that it was okay for the person to move in.  (The man who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13 NIV, The discerning heart seeks knowledge, the mouth of fool feeds on folly. Proverbs 15:14) 

When Jesus was accused, He did not retaliate, He let the Father take care of the injustice.

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:23 NIV)

This is the Christian culture.  A person does not fight back when something unjust occurs or does not voice their opinions regarding how unfair something is does not mean that the person accepted it as true.  The Bible tells us to turn the other cheek.   The Bible tells us that if someone takes our cloak, do not stop him taking your tunic.  Of course, these kinds of behavior do not make much sense in the real world, but that is what the Bible says.  So, if this "wise man of God" wants me not to move in with my friend based on a rumor, then so be it.  God is God.  He will take care of me.  I do not need to fight.  God will fight for me.  And, God did indeed care of the matter.  He made it clear that it was Him.  He told me to tell the "wise man of God" that He was avenging injustice and disciplining the man (when I departed place A).  And, later, He healed the man when the disciplinary period was over (when I visited place A - of course, this "wise man of God" did other injustices too based on the rumor and also told the Lord to shut up the Lord's testimony - that's why he got the worst of the discipline compared to the others). 

God is true to His word and He used me as instrument of divine discipline, marking the beginning and end of the disciplinary period, through my departure and return to Place A.  I do only what I see the Father do and the Father was disciplining and so was I. 

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:19 NIV)

If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (Luke 6:29 NIV)

Striking does not necessarily have to be a physical thing.  It can be words too.  And, if someone dump rumors about you, just let them dump more rumors about you.  God Almighty will eventually answer them - I have seen it happen and I know that Father God will answer His children (maybe not in this life, but He will answer).

Praise the Lord for keeping His word.  Praise the Lord for showing His mercy, grace, love, and kindness through Hebrews 12 treating that man as a son.  God loves this man and I love him too.

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12:5-6 NIV)

God's word is alive, living and active in our lives!  Amen.

Update:  The story does not end there.  On the night of this post, God takes on another act of justice against the mastermind who pushed this decision of this injustice.  He has heard the cries of his servant and He has responded just as He has responded to the cries of His people Israel!  Praise the Lord, indeed!

I pray for a recovery according to the Lord's will for this person.